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About Deviant darkchandelier95Female/Unknown Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
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When I'm gone, don't throw me a funeral.
The only funeral I'll ever need is for you to incinerate me and scatter me around the perimeters of my childhood home for the ghost of my younger self- should it be there- to mourn over.
Don't scatter me across oceans.
Allow drowning people to safely go under without me getting into their lungs before they could die the way they wanted to so their autopsies don't reveal me as the cause of their deaths instead of themselves like they've always wanted to.
And not even think of burying me.
Remember what we once discussed about ants.
If all else fails
...turn my ashes into a rare diamond so you could sit me in the museum of broken hearts and visit me on days when no hand reaches for yours from across park benches or hospital beds they used to.
Sometimes, when things don’t go right with life

Times when you find yourself waking up on the wrong side of the bed more often than not

Times when you wonder if you weren’t meant to be born as who you are now

Have you ever had the gnawing thought that you have been living someone else’s life all along? Another child’s, perhaps...

Maybe then you wouldn’t have gotten compared all the bloody time to other children from other families who seem more put-together when in reality, everybody is just playing a game of dollhouse

Maybe then, there wouldn’t be any such things as monthly shrink visits because your mental health would be in tip-top condition

You’re seen as an ordinary person for once in your damn life- another Jane Doe instead of the socially-awkward teen you’ll always be known as even though you’re no longer a teen

Perhaps then, nobody would treat you as the rare jewel you are but a simple rhinestone

Perhaps then, you wouldn’t have the depth you have right now to be even writing this

Perhaps then, you might be 'just like everybody else'

I am metaphorically dying of a metaphorical form of cancer. Half my brain cells have been metaphorically eaten up by it.I keep suffering from metaphorical focal attacks in the form of panic attacks and have to undergo metaphorical radiotherapy in the form of psychiatry every few months. Only, unlike actual cancer, I don't have metaphorical sympathizers. Instead, I get stigmatized as a weirdo just as AIDS sufferers get stigmatized as dirty crackheads. Instead of prayers, visits, and flowers, I get gossips, stares, and when I was younger, cane lashings.
Don't get me wrong, though. Just as a cancer patient would, I stay at home most of the time. And just like one, I get pity and concern for all the wrong reasons.
The only difference is that when I do die at the hands of my disease, (touch shoot that that doesn't happen) instead of a man on a throne welcoming me into his arms as a whole new being, I'd get snubbed and then thrown into the depths of hell
...for "self-murder".
Social anxiety is like an everyday tightrope act where the spectators are the whole frickin' world. Below me is a lake of depression. One wrong step- one dumb action or word- one "full retard" incident and down I plunge into the cold and dark depths like a fall from grace, drowning in worry over how disappointing a performer I am, how the whole show is now spoiled, all thanks to me...
Suddenly, like a miracle and without warning, I'm whisked out of the water, bone-dry by some invisible hand and thrown onto the trapezes instead- my next act- so as to sway as high as I can from mood swing to mood swing in this circus of disorders I work in day to day, travelling from gig to gig in a cage of painful memories
...with a smiley mask painted on
It doesn't take a genius to know that I'm dead.
You can tell that from my cold eyes, my frozen-over brows, and the way I don't think twice before practically throwing my hand into a stove just to feel some warmth that I desperately need someone like you to give me but can't because everytime you try to let me in through your window to shelter me from the cold around my bare shoulders, I always either vanish into thin air or fall off your window ledge like a residual haunting.
Looks like your hotness was never enough to combat my chill- like we always joked about.
Only now, it isn't a joke.
I keep trying to find that warmth in places that I shouldn't and I suppose that was in you because you melted me and then left me lying on the ground for someone else to clear up
...someone as cold as me to freeze me back up again...


darkchandelier95's Profile Picture
Current Residence: My head
Favourite genre of music: Metal/alternative
Favourite style of art: Digital paintings
Shell of choice: seashells?
Wallpaper of choice: anything black or red
Skin of choice: Mine
Favourite cartoon character: L from Death note
Personal Quote: Make a difference in an indifferent world
  • Have you ever:
  • 1. Skipped class? yes
  • 2. Done drugs? nope
  • 3. Self harmed? yes
  • 4. Drank? yes
  • 5. Shoplifted? hell no
  • 6. Gotten a tattoo? only the sticker type
  • 7. Broken up with someone? Never even been with someone to begin with
  • What's your favorite:
  • 8. Show? Sorry I've stopped watching shows
  • 9. Movie? Black Swan
  • 10. Song? Arch Enemy- You will know my name
  • 11. Tumblr? all the ones I follow !
  • 12. Singer/Band? Evanescence
  • 13. Memory? All my childhood memories
  • 14. Book? Wuthering HEights
  • This or that:
  • 15. Invisibility or Ability to fly? Invisibility
  • 16. Cookies or Cake? Cake
  • 17. Twitter or Facebook? Twitter
  • 18. Movies or Books? Books
  • 19. Coke or Sprite? Sprite
  • 20. Blind or Deaf? Blind
  • 21. Tea or Coffee? Tea
  • What's your:
  • 22. Age? 20
  • 23. Sign? Aries
  • 24. Height? 5'7
  • 25. Sexual orientation? Bi
  • 26. Shoe size? 6
  • 27. Religion? Christian
  • 28. Longest relationship? Never even had one
  • Opinion on:
  • 29. Gay rights? To a certain extent, yes. Otherwise no, because it is after all a sin (I'm a sinner lawl) although I hate churches who bash gays
  • 30. Second chances? Everybody deserves them
  • 31. Long distance relationships? Should be seen more of
  • 32. Abortion? Murder.
  • 33. The death penalty? Totally needed to decrease the amount assholes walking about the face of this earth
  • 34. Marijuana ? Should be legal cuz' what a person puts in their body is their own free will
  • 35. Love? The most overrated thing ever which is super-addictive at the same time
  • Do you:
  • 36. Believe in ghost? The devil, yes. Ghosts, nope
  • 37. Shower facing the shower head or turned away from it? facing it.
  • 38. Sleep with the door opened or closed? Closed
  • 39. Love someone? Duh.
  • 40. Still watch cartoons? Nah
  • 41. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No
  • 42. Like yourself? This is an abstract question. I suppose I do to a certain extent
  • Listening to: the ceiling fan
  • Reading: some amazing blogs on tumblr
  • Eating: Lunch
  • Drinking: tea, as usual

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Add a Comment:
Pandakitty2000 Featured By Owner May 28, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You -MUST- hug 10 other people, at least!
3- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their page!
4- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
5- You should most definitely get started hugging right away!
Send This To All Your Friends, And Me If I Am 1.
If You Get 7 Back You Are Loved!
1-3 you're bad friend
4-6 you're an ok friend
7-9 you're a good friend
10-& Up you're loved
yuri123454321 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you for the favourite! :D
much appreciated
demonrobber Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2015
Thanks for the fav! I appreciate the support. :)
egoamortigeres Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks you sooooo much for the watch!
darkchandelier95 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015
You're most welcome 
egoamortigeres Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I like your whole profile.
darkchandelier95 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2015
Oh wow. Thank you, sweetie :heart:
theevilblackrose Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the favs!
demonrobber Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2015
Thanks for the faves! It is much appreciated. :)
darkchandelier95 Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2015
No probs. I do follow you, after all 
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